Title: An Unnatural Act Name: Twelve Rabbit E-mail: jabaird@idirect.com Rating: PG ------------------------------------------------------ Sailor Moon Spoof Fanfic: "An Unnatural Act" By Twelve Rabbit (ci) Copyright Infringement 1998 by Do i Care Productions (All copyrights are owned by wealthy and powerful people, so watch it. Feel free to distribute or post this story, as long as you don't alter it in any way or change the credits. Here's a smiley face to reassure everyone that this story is meant for fun :-) ------------------------------------------------------ "Fleeing evil by moonlight, Getting dumped by daylight Only running from a scary fight, She is the one blamed, Wailer Loon." ------------------------------------------------------ "Generals of the Noogieverse! Present yourselves!" The baritone bellow of Queen Barrel echoed throughout the cavernous throne room, silencing the vast crowd of evil freaks who stood a respectful distance from the throne of their dread sovereign. Vile monsters of every description comprised her shadowy court: goblins, vampires, demons, trolls, ecchi, fanfic plagiarists, hentai artists and dub directors all stood in slavering attendance. An obedient hush fell over the crowd, broken only by eerie muzak and the plaintive beeps of unattended tamagotchis. Just as the evil Queen began to tap her green fingernails in impatience, there came the sound of running footsteps, and a tall figure came hurrying in, anxiously smoothing his blond hair and brushing down his red and gold bellhop uniform. He approached the throne, put down his briefcase, turned off his beeper and stood at attention facing the Queen. He gave her the Noogieverse salute, thumb held to nose and fingers wiggling smartly. "General Coprolyte reporting for duty as ordered, your majesty!" he announced loudly. "Where is everyone?" said Queen Barrel impatiently. She shifted her massive bulk on the throne as she peered through the sinister pall of second-hand smoke which veiled the immense room in a ghoulish drape. "I summoned all the Noogieverse generals!" "Yes, your majesty." said Coprolyte. He looked uncomfortable as he reluctantly raised his eyes. "I'm afraid this is it." "What! Just you?" The evil Queen glared at him disbelievingly from under her garish green eye shadow. "That's impossible! Where's Neophyte?" "You condemned him to eternal sleep for insubordination, remember?" Coproltye pointed to the huge snowflake globe in which Neophyte stood frozen, his middle finger raised in eternal defiance. "Oh yes, that's right." Barrel frowned. "But what about Sattelyte? I'm sure I didn't kill him." "That's correct, your majesty." agreed Coprolyte. "You were going to, but Neophyte killed him first for filling his boots with ectoplasm." "Ah, yes." she recalled, gazing into space. "Now I remember, that's why I killed Neophyte. But then I gave joint command to Stalactyte and Stalagmyte. Why aren't they here?" Coprolyte took a small black notebook out of his pocket and began flipping the pages. "Let's see. Stalactyte killed Stalagmyte and you killed him for killing Stalagmyte . Or maybe it was Stalagmyte who killed Stalactyte, it doesn't really make much difference. Before that, he killed Cavoryte. Cavoryte killed Gigabyte. After you killed Sodomyte, that is. Gigabyte was killed by Pyryte. You killed Pyryte. Dynamyte and Gelignyte died in that explosion set by Magnetyte. You stuck Magnetyte forever to a fridge door as punishment." Coprolyte took a deep breath. "Then Sybaryte killed Dogbyte and you killed Sybaryte." A long, uncomfortable silence ensued. "And?" prompted Barrel. Coprolyte blinked. "I'm sorry, your majesty?" "What about you predecessor, Budlyte? I spoke with him only yesterday. What happened to him?" "Oh, yes. I forgot to tell you, your majesty." Coprolyte looked away shiftily. "He died in an accident." "An accident?" the Queen sat up and looked sharply at him. "What sort of accident?" "It happened just a few hours ago, your majesty." he said, trying to avoid the Queen's searching glare. "He stabbed himself several times in the back. He was always quite clumsy, if you recall. Just like him." "I see." said the Queen. She looked at him suspiciously and began counting on her fingers. "And how many generals were lost in action against the Sailor Scouts?" "Uh... just a moment." Coprolyte flipped back and forth through his notebook. He stopped and looked up apologetically. "It's difficult to put a precise figure on it, our records aren't always as complete as they should be..." "Just tell me." she said warningly. "How many?" "Well, not that many, really." Coprolyte was sweating. "In round figures, my nearest estimate would be... in general terms... to the best possible approximation... actually, I can't find a single instance." "I see." said the Queen grimly. She toyed menacingly with her faux pearl necklace. "So the upshot is, nobody was killed in action, and you're all that's left?" "Yes, your majesty." "Very well." said Barrel dryly. "I had planned to kill you too this morning, but seeing as you're the only one left alive to take my orders, I guess there'll be no execution today." At this, there was a disappointed sigh from the crowd of onlookers, and they began filing to the exits with discontented mutters, leaving the throne room empty except for the Queen and the nervous general. "Thank you, your majesty." Coprolyte said shakily, bringing out his inhaler and gulping gas in relief. "Now to business. First of all, it has come to my attention that we are experiencing a serious manpower shortage, especially among the generals. See to it that these positions are filled as soon as possible." "I'll run an ad right away, your majesty." Coprolyte scribbled obediently in his notebook. "Next, you were to come up with a plan for our next attack on Earth. The one designed to eliminate the Sailor Scout's interference once and for all." "Yes, I have the plans all finished, your Majesty." Coprolyte began pulling maps and blueprints from his briefcase. "But this plan was just to get more energy by attacking a different country during school hours, not to capture the Sailor Scouts. I mean, it hardly seems worth it, does it? All our casualties so far have been self-inflicted, and all our plans have failed due to stupidity and incompetence at all levels, so what's the point of..." He caught the Queen's unblinking stare. "Yes, the plan to capture the Sailor Scouts." said Coprolyte hurriedly. He quickly crumpled up his papers, stuffed them back into his briefcase, and took a map out of his pocket. "Yes, yes. The new plan calls for luring them to this park, ambushing them and then capturing them, thereby eliminating their interference once and for all." He handed the map over to the Queen. Barrel put on her green-tinted bifocals and squinted down at the map. "What, you mean this park? Do be sensible, Coprolyte. It'll take the scouts forever to walk that far." "But they can take a bus, can't they?" he ventured timidly. "General! We have always attacked the Earth within easy walking distance of the Sailor Scouts, and we're not about to change now!" thundered Barrel. "Besides, you must make it as easy as possible for them to walk into the trap." "Yes, your Majesty." he assented meekly. "We'll use the downtown park, then. I'll tip them off that a Noogieverse attack will occur there tomorrow." "But we don't even know who the scouts really are, Coprolyte." argued Barrel. "How do you intend to let them know, without raising their suspicions?" Coprolyte smiled. "I have a fiendishly ingenious plan, your majesty." :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) The warm afternoon sun shone down brightly on the lush, green public park. A pleasant breeze rippled the surface of the small lake and gently swayed the trees, as birds chirped noisily and bees buzzed energetically throughout the spreading flower gardens. The harmony of the scene, however, was completely lost on the two teenaged girls who sat at a picnic table, shaded by a cherry tree. One of them was, as usual, gazing trace-like into a small hand-held mirror and meticulously adjusting the sheet of fair hair which fell to her waist. Her dark-haired companion sat brooding silently, chin in hand, fingers tapping ominously as she imagined wrapping a long, blonde braid around a throat and then yanking the end over a high tree branch. Mina was deep in consternation as she kept looking from her reflection to a small photograph and back again. "This is so creepy. Check this out, Raye." she said finally. "Look, in the photograph, the part in my hair is on the left side, see? But in the mirror, it's on the right side!". She looked at Raye, her pale blue eyes filled with perplexity. "What about it, Raye? Do you think it might be the Noogieverse?" Raye woke from her reverie and looked at Mina. "Yes, it's undoubtedly the work of the Noogieverse." she said solemnly. "That's one of the reasons we're having this meeting." "I thought so!" Mina scowled at her reflection. "Rotten Noogieverse, mixing up my left and my right! We'll make them pay for this!" Raye looked at her pityingly. It was not out of a sense of mischief that she misled the easily misled Mina; even malicious Raye had long since tired of taking advantage of Mina's flawless stupidity. Rather, it was a feeling of resignation that any attempt at explanation would only serve to deepen her confusion. Mina still had not fully recovered from the marathon deprogramming session during which the scouts had tried to convince her that Venus was not an Italian city. Leaving her in ignorance was always the kindest thing to do. Tiring of her homicidal fantasies, Raye checked her watch and looked around, squinting in the bright sunshine. "Where is everyone, anyway?" she said crossly. "I called this meeting for one o'clock. Do they need an engraved invitation?" "Oh, that reminds me." said Mina, reluctantly dragging her attention away from her mirror. "Amy told me to tell you that she might be late. She's working on some sort of extra- credit project or something." "Great, that's typical of Amy." grumbled Raye. "The entire universe can be conquered by the forces of darkness, so long as the Geekess Queen gets her first choice of university." "And it's Saturday, so Lita's making her rounds." continued Mina. "Rounds? What rounds?" asked Raye, puzzled. "Did she get a paper route?" "No, she's beating up former boyfriends." said Mina. "The list is pretty long now, so don't expect her for a while." Raye and Mina observed a moment of silence for Lita's boyfriends, past, present and future. Mina opened her mouth to continue, saw the glint Raye's eye, and decided to remain silent. Even Mina had sense enough not to mention the fifth scout while Raye had a fork close at hand. The girls brought out their lunch bags, and had just begun eating when Raye looked up and mumbled through a mouthful of sandwich, "Psst, Mina! Pocket-Protector Princess, three o'clock". She nodded in the direction of Amy, who waved and continued down the garden path towards them. The fashion- sensitive Mina shuddered and looked away. Both Raye and Mina were relieved to see that Amy was, as usual, wearing her school uniform. On the rare occasions when she picked out her own clothes, she typically showed the fashion sense of a rodeo clown, making public appearances with her rather embarrassing. Wearing her uniform, which she appeared to have slept in, she merely looked drab and socially-challenged. What do words like 'fashion' and 'style' mean to her? wondered Raye. Does Amy even own a mirror? And if so, what does she use it for? Science experiments? "Hello, guys!" said Amy as she sat down beside Mina. "Sorry I'm so late, but I had to finish my extra-credit project. I've just got to make up for my last math test. I only got 114 percent." "Well, no wonder you're doing badly at math, Amy." said Mina. "110 percent is the most you can get." "No, I missed one of the fifteen bonus questions." explained Amy. "Oh dear, maybe I just haven't been working hard enough." "Oh, dear," mimicked Raye, oozing insincere sympathy. "Bad luck, Amy! But it could've have been worse. I guess if you'd gotten 100 percent, you would've committed hara-kiri with your compass!" "Or maybe it's overwork?" wondered Amy. "I guess I have been studying a lot, lately." "Yes, maybe 22 hours a day is a lot." agreed Mina. "Tell me, Amy, do you even know what a life is?" "Sure I do." she said, offended. "I'm not all homework and books, you know. Greg said he might take me to the dance." "Dance?" Raye's eyes opened wide. "Did you hear that, Mina? She pronounced the word correctly, but can she possibly know what it means?" "Of course I know what a dance is." Amy said impatiently, as she dumped out her lunch of multi-colored brain pills. "I may be smart, but I'm not stupid!" "Socially-challenged geekess." muttered Raye under her breath, while Mina tried to suppress her sniggers as she imagined Amy trying to dance. Amy glared at her coldly, then turned to Raye. "Anyway what's this meeting about? You said it was important." She gulped back a handful of pills. "Yes, that's right." said Raye importantly. "I've discovered evidence that a major Noogieverse operation is underway." She lowered her voice to a whisper. "But we must be really careful. It seems something big is being planned They may have spies planted everywhere. There could be one listening in on us right..." Raye stopped dead as an enormous dark shadow suddenly passed over the table. The three girls whirled around to see a huge, menacing figure standing over them, eyes flashing, arms crossed, massive biceps threatening to burst out of her oversized tunic, brown medusa hair tied back with little skull-shaped baubles into a savage pony-tail, exquisite skull-and- crossbone earrings dangling from her cauliflower ears. The girls craned their necks to look up at the towering gorgon, and screamed as one. "Oh- hello, Lita!" said Amy timidly, when she had recovered. Lita grinned amiably down at them, revealing an immense, gap- toothed maw containing what appeared to be vestigial saber teeth. Not in the least offended by the girls' reaction, she seemed to take it as her due from even her closest friends. "HEY, EVERYONE!" she roared huskily. The girls shrank back. Lita always spoke as if she were calling hearing-impaired hogs in a hurricane. "Sorry I'm late, I had someone to finish- uh, I mean some stuff to finish off." she continued, considerately lowering her voice by thirty decibels and an octave or two. She sat down heavily next to Raye, making the bench creak alarmingly. "Great to see you, too." said Raye nervously. "Uh- what are those things stuck in your shoulder, Lita?" "Huh? Oh, those are taser darts." Lita reached over and began plucking the silver needles out carelessly. "The orphanage people tried to capture me again this morning, but I made short work of them as usual." She slammed her massive fist into her hand with a thunderous smack, eyes glinting with enthusiasm. "Guess I made a few new orphans this morning. That's okay, they can live where their parents used to work!" Lita began bellowing with laughter. The others laughed politely and exchanged meaningful sideways glances. They knew, of course, that Lita lived all by herself, her parents having been killed years ago in a plane crash. At least, that was her cover story. Ever since then, she had been the target of desperate capture attempts by the increasingly demoralized orphanage authorities. "So, that held me up for a few minutes." Lita continued cheerfully. She took a large food tin out of her knapsack, and held it out to the others. "I'll make it up to you. Here, I cooked some treats for us all. Take one." Raye choked on her sandwich. "Oh, thanks, we're not hungry any more." "Yes, we're all full up." added Mina hastily. "I just found out, I'm diabetic." explained Amy. "I said, take one." There was a frozen silence. Lita lived under the firm delusion that she was an excellent cook, since no one had ever had the courage to give an honest opinion of her work. The girls muttered their thanks as they reached for the tin with trembling hands. Raye and Mina paled as they looked at the unidentifiable, multicolored lumps in their hands, closed their eyes, pinched their nostrils, and tried to gulp straight down without chewing. Lita beamed happily. "That's better. Now, what's this meeting about? Is it more of- excuse me, Raye, I wish you wouldn't retch while I'm talking. Is it more of this Noogieverse business?" "That's right, Lita." said Amy, as she deftly palmed Lita's cookie, dropped it down her sleeve, and made fake munching noises. "Mmm, yummy. Don't you agree, Raye? We have reason to suspect the Noogieverse is making another attack. Go ahead, Raye, tell us all about it." However, Raye was unable to do more than make gurgling sounds, her eyes popping out of her green-tinted face. Amy turned to Mina, but she appeared to have lost her vision. "Oh well, we might as well wait for Serena anyway." said Amy indifferently. Mention of that name seemed to bring some life back to Raye, but it would clearly be a while before she recovered her powers of speech. "Hey, check out that cool guy!" said Lita. "Who?" asked Amy. "That guy over there! On the other side of the lake!" Lita pointed, and her eyes swiftly glazed over as she blushed a brilliant red. "Ooh, he's tall! And just look at that hair! What a dreamboat! Such a stud-muffin! Kind of like that boyfriend of mine, Freddy." Her face began to darken. "He's probably just the same as Freddy, too, the slimy weasel. They're all the same, hunks on the outside and jerks on the inside, like M&Ms. They melt in your heart, not in your hands." She stood up and began yelling across the lake. "Lousy spineless rat! Worthless scumbag! Yes, you in the blue shirt! Miserable cowardly vermin! That's right, start running! Faster, you bastard!" She suddenly sat down again and buried her head in her arms. "Arrgh! That's the second time I've broken up today, already." "Second time?" asked Mina disbelievingly. "You mean you've already broken up with Robert? The guy who worked at the ice- cream store?" "Yeah, Bob Floy dumped me. Then he fled the country and demanded asylum." Lita scowled. "That rainy-day drip! I'm gonna thump him good." Mina was about to commiserate with Lita, when there was a faint shriek and a thump in the distance. "Here she comes, finally." said Amy. "Come on, Raye, now you can tell your news to all of us. Here, try a few of my pills. Some of these contain anti-toxins and neutralizing agents." Raye swallowed the pills and washed them down with Mina's milkshake, coughing but gradually recovering. There was another shriek and a thump, followed a minute later by a shriek and a splash. The noises gradually grew louder as the originator negotiated her way through the park, scoring two out of every three possible obstacles. Finally, a petite blonde teenaged girl emerged from the bushes, approached the picnic table, and shrieked piercingly as she tripped over her ankle-length braids and stumbled straight into it, sending food flying. The girls looked wearily at Serena as she recovered. As usual, she was dotted all over with band-aids, to cover her self-inflicted injuries. Most of her cuts and bandages didn't match up properly, indicating that Mina had been nursing Serena again with her typical superhuman incompetence. "Hi, girls!" Serena squeaked cheerfully. "Did you start without me? I only found out about this a short while ago." "You're late again, Serena!" snapped Raye. "I told you yesterday there would be an extremely important meeting here at one o'clock!" "Well, you should have reminded me." she whined defensively. "I did Serena!" exploded Raye. "I phoned you six times! I visited your house twice! I marked it on your calendar! I set your alarm clock! I nailed a warning to your front door! I threw a rock with a note through your bedroom window last night! And I repeatedly threatened to end your life if you forgot!" "Oh, don't make such a big deal out of it, Raye." Serena said petulantly. She pulled a stuffed bunny out of her knapsack and looked round at the others. "Besides, it's just a teddy-bear picnic I'm late for, right?" "Wrong, Serena!" screamed Raye, veins throbbing. "You're late for your own funeral!" The air was split by cries of rage and panic as Raye knocked over the table and jumped on top of Serena, sending the girls and lunch-bags flying. Lita, Mina and Amy struggled desperately to pull them apart, while Raye screamed, "Let me go! I'll kill her!" and tried to strangle Serena with her own braids. Finally, Lita got Raye in a choke hold and dragged her loose. The table was righted, and Raye and Serena sat down on opposite sides, Raye still struggling and snarling incoherently, Serena rubbing her bruises and whimpering. "We're sick and tired of having to break up your fights!" scolded Amy. "We're supposed to be members of the same team. For heaven's sake, why can't you two just get along for a change?" "Raye keeps trying to kill me, the big meanie!" cried Serena accusingly. She glared at Raye. "Last time, she tried to smother me with Luna!" "Say, that reminds me." said Lita. "Why isn't Luna with you?" "She's too tired to make it." said Serena, calming down a little. "She worked the late shift at that toy factory. Poor thing, she's exhausted from doing back-flips all night." "So where's Artemis?" asked Lita of Mina. "He refused to come, of course." Mina gave Raye an unfriendly look. "After what Raye did to him, last time." "Oh, geez. I'm sorry I hurt his feelings, okay?" said Raye impatiently. "Really, he's so sensitive sometimes." "Sensitive?" exclaimed Mina. "You blew your nose on him!" "I mistook him for a hankerchief!" protested Raye. "He was just lying there. It was an accident!" "Well, you've got him scared, now." said Mina angrily. "He says he doesn't want to find out what what you'll mistake him for next time." "Let's change the subject, okay?" said Raye. She assumed an air of self-importance. "I called this meeting because I know where the Noogieverse is going to attack next." "Oh, you've had a vision? Excellent, tell us all about it." said Amy, bringing out her pocket computer and preparing to take notes. "Big deal." scoffed Serena. "We all had visions after Lita cooked dinner for us." "Shut up Serena! No, I didn't have a vision, actually. Look at this." Raye brought out a newspaper and spread it over the table. The girls all huddled round. "What are we looking for?" asked Amy, scanning the paper. "Right there, in the middle!" pointed Raye. "You mean the want ad? 'Noogieverse generals wanted, to conquer universe. Many top positions recently vacated. Travel required. Evil is a must. Name must rhyme with 'anthracite'. Humans need not apply. Send no faxes. No agencies, please.'" "No, no." said Raye impatiently. "Below that one." The girls studied the glossy color ad. It was a large map of the city, with a huge red X drawn over the park, and the accompanying legend, 'Attention Sailor Scouts! Noogieverse attack here, Saturday 2 pm sharp. Be there or be square!'. A trail of arrows marked the route to the park. "Do you think it's a newspaper of some kind?" asked Serena, puzzled. "Don't ask me." said Mina with a smile and a swish of her blonde mane. "I'm very beautiful!" Amy looked slowly up at them. Even with her phenomenal intellect, she could never make up her mind whether they were neurologically impaired or just blonde and sweet. "Someone, presumably agents of the Noogieverse, ran this ad in the paper for us to see." she explained. "It's undoubtedly some sort of trap, because they've tipped us off as to the exact time and location of their next attack." "It's not a trap." said Mina. The others looked at her in surprise. "How could you possibly know?" Amy asked sharply. "Look." Mina pointed to the bottom of the ad. Written there in fine print was, 'P.S. It's not a trap. Yours truly, Coprolyte.' "Hang on, there's something else below that." said Raye. "'P.P.S Yes it is, ha ha ha! Queen Barrel.'" "'P.P.P.S No it isn't, really. Coprolyte." read Amy. "You see?" said Mina, pleased with herself. "It's NOT a trap!" "Thanks, Mina. You've already done too much thinking for one day." said Raye dryly. She looked at the others. "So what do we do when they show up? What's our battle plan?" "I'm glad you asked." said Amy, clicking away furiously on her pocket calculator. "It just so happens that I've constructed battle plans for every part of the city, and every possible scenario. I formulated these plans from simulations and time-motion data recorded from all our previous fights. I've used non-linear Markhov chain probability distributions to correct for chaotic variations." "Oh, did you use them? Good!" said Serena earnestly. "Now, here's the battle plan for this park, on sunny Saturdays between one and three o'clock." Amy rolled up the newspaper, took the salt and pepper shakers, and placed them several inches apart in the center of the table. "The salt represents Coprolyte. The pepper is you, Lita. You must initiate contact due east of the enemy." Amy took a tomato from Mina's lunch bag, and placed it behind the pepper shaker. "This is you, Serena. You'll take cover until you have time to use your moon scepter. Raye, represented by this milkshake, will be the first to attack, on the right flank. Then Mina, the banana, will flank them from the left. Raye, attack from this angle only, so Mina will be out of your field of fire. All clear so far?" "Which one am I again?" asked Serena. "You're the fruitcake." said Raye snidely. Amy gritted her teeth. "You're the tomato, Serena. Don't eat it, OK? Now pay attention, our lives depend on this." "What does the fruitcake represent?" asked Mina, clearly confused. "There is no fruitcake!" snapped Amy. "Just be quiet and listen, please!" She began sliding the banana forward. "Mina will advance all the way onto the enemy's left flank, and..." "And then we kick their heads in!" shouted Lita suddenly, slamming her fist down on the table and making everyone jump. "Uh... not yet, Lita." Amy glanced at her uneasily. She straightened up the toppled salt shaker. "Before that, we have to secure our own flanks, and..." "And THEN we kick their heads in!" shouted Lita enthusiastically. "I promise you, Lita, there will be head kicking." said Amy slowly. "Much good head kicky-kick! But not until I give the signal." With Lita momentarily pacified, Amy continued her directions. "The enemy by this time will be caught in Raye's and Mina's crossfire. This is when Lita will launch a strong frontal attack, following which..." She was interrupted by a shriek from Serena. "Raye just squashed me! Look!" She pointed to the mushed tomato under Raye's elbow. "It was an accident, Serena!" shouted Raye. "I was just moving my arm!" "Oh, sure Raye!" she whimpered tearfully. "You squished me on purpose, you big meanie!" "Shut up, Serena!" Raye flung the messy corpse of the tomato at Serena, splattering her generously. She shrieked and tried to hit Raye back with the banana, missed by a mile and whacked Mina instead. Mina screamed and jumped up from the table, knocking over the milkshake. "Food fight!" shouted Lita joyfully. She reached into her lunch bag, and was about to add its contents to her friend's faces when Amy jumped up and shouted for order. "Stop it, all of you! Lita, put that octopus down! This is serious business, can't you pay attention long enough to..." She stopped dead as an overripe orange smacked her on the side of the head and exploded, covering her with a nutritious slime. Amy stood silently for several seconds, then turned to glare coldly at Raye. "Sorry, Am." said Raye contritely. "It was an accident. Do go on, it sounded so interesting." "With what?" said Amy sourly, as she surveyed the mess and wiped orange guts from her hair. "All right, forget the visual aids. Just follow my instructions when the fight starts. Especially you, Serena. Your moon scepter is the only means we have of completely finishing Noogieverse monsters. The rest of us can only stun the enemy with our attacks. This means that our lives depend on you listening carefully and carrying out my directions. Serena?" Serena stopped humming to herself. "Oh, I'm sorry Amy. Were you saying something?" A moment later, Serena found herself flat on her back again, while Lita, Raye and Mina struggled to pull Amy off her. "Let me go! I'll kill her!" screamed Amy, as she attempted to wrench Serena's head loose. The two were eventually separated after a vicious struggle. The girls all took their seats again, this time with Raye and Amy seated away from Serena. "You see? I'm not the only one." said Raye. She glared at Serena. "Some day, you'll piss two of us off at the same time, and you'll be toast!" "It's still your fault. Meanie." complained Serena. "No one ever tried to kill me until they saw you doing it." "Shut up, Serena!" shouted Raye. Unable to reach her, she slapped Mina instead. "Pass it on." she instructed. Mina obligingly slapped Serena. "Hey!" screamed Serena in outrage. She smacked Mina. "Pass that back!" "Don't listen to her, Mina!" Raye socked her hard on the arm. "Pass THAT on!" Within moments, Mina was being whacked and pummelled mercilessly from both sides as Raye and Serena sought to telegraph their animosity toward each other. "Stop it you two!" yelled Amy. "Leave Mina alone!". She and Lita began beating the two combatants into submission. :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) "Now's the time to attack!" whispered Coprolyte, peering though the bushes. "But it isn't two o'clock yet!" protested the monster. "I know," he said, looking at the mob of fighting girls and shaking his head. "But if we don't attack soon, there'll be nothing left to capture. Move!" The huge, dark shape loped away on four legs into the forest. Meanwhile, the dust had gradually begun to settle around the picnic table. The girls' battle had stopped, not because anything had been resolved, but because none of them were in any condition to continue. Lita's knuckles were sore and red, Raye and Amy were exhausted, Serena had new bruises to complement her self-inflicted ones, and Mina, her hair wildly askew, may have been stunned and dazed but as always it was hard to tell. They sat silently, nursing their bruises and their grudges, when suddenly a monstrous roar sounded from the distance. "That must be from the Noogieverse!" shouted Amy, bestirring herself. The others quickly struggled to their feet. "Quick girls! Transform!" The five girls reached into their pockets and purses, and began flinging handfuls of confetti, glitter, kitty litter and flour into the air, creating a huge opaque cloud. Thus momentarily screened, they quickly began changing into their sailor suits. As the shimmering cloud slowly dispersed, the girls could be seen wearing their full scout uniforms, except for Mina and Serena who were each struggling to put their right foot into the same left boot. "Push off, boot hog!" snapped Serena. "You wear heels, remember?" "Oh, yes, sorry." said Mina apologetically. "How could I have imagined that ENORMOUS boot was mine!" "My feet aren't enormous, you fibber!" began Serena indignantly, but Raye cut her off. "Shut up and get a move on! What's keeping you two!" "My stupid sailor suit doesn't fit right!" complained Serena, wriggling uncomfortably. "That's because you're wearing it inside out, upside down and backwards." explained Amy. "Here, let me help you." She helped Serena to straighten herself out, while Serena grumbled, "How am I supposed to change inside that stupid cloud? I can never see a thing!" "Sailor Mercury, over here, quick!" shouted Lita. "We can see the monster!" Sure enough, a gigantic Noogieverse monster had emerged from the forest on the other side of the clearing. It appeared to be a six-foot high pit bull, red eyes glaring and jaws slavering with anticipation. "Mercury, use your visor!" suggested Raye, her red-trimmed sailor suit flapping in the sudden chill breeze. "Right!" said Amy. She hurried forward and pulled on her wrap-around sunglasses, squinting short-sightedly at the monster. "Filtering out UV-A and UV-B bands. Nothing unusual. Initiating computer scan for weak points. Still scanning. Still scanning..." Amy began to look puzzled. "That's funny. I'm getting exactly the same reading I got on the last monster we fought." She took the glasses off and examined the lenses closely. "Hey!" she exclaimed. "All these computer lines are just painted on the lenses!" Her face darkened. "Luna! She made these for me! I'll kill her! " "You don't scare me!" Lita shouted defiantly at the monster. She held up her power stick and pressed the little button. Blue sparks zapped out the end. "Cattle-prod power!" she shouted. "Come on, everyone, let's trash it!" She began charging recklessly towards the huge, menacing creature. The others stood around uncomfortably. "Uhh. I think she'll do just fine on her own, don't you?" said Raye. "Right, no sense in crowding her just now." agreed Mina. "Yes, this is indeed an excellent time to divide our forces." concurred Amy. "I'll circle around the back, now." "Me too!" chorused the others, and hurried after her. "Hey!" said Amy, coming to a sudden stop. The other piled up behind her. "We can't all circle around the back, you know!" "Okay. I'll fall back in reserve." suggested Raye. "I'll cover Raye's withdrawl." added Mina. "I'll run like a rabbit!" shrieked Serena. "Just get moving!" But before the scouts could flee the scene of conflict, a tall blond figure jumped out of a shrub and stood blocking their precious escape route. He grinned as he looked over the four girls, resplendent in his dazzling bellhop outfit. "Well, well." he smirked, staring at Serena. "If it isn't Wailer Loon! Aren't you going to help your friend, Staler Stupider?" He pointed to where Lita had been knocked flat by the monstrous pit bull, and lay helpless under its massive paw. "It's the evil Coprolyte!" gasped Raye in fear. "They've got us surrounded! Quick, Mercury. What does your computer say we should do now?" "Just a moment!" Amy clicked a button on her computer, peering at the display. "Let's see. 'Your palmtop supercomputer has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down'. Oh, terrific." "Bad luck!" laughed Coprolyte. "Well, aren't you going to attack me, Jailor Jars? How about you, Paler Penis?" "What are you going to call me?" challenged Amy. "Uh. Give me a minute." Coprolyte furrowed his brow. "Mercury. Burcury, Kurcury, Durcury, Furcury, Gurcury. Turcury, Percury, Zurkury... Arrgh!" he shouted in frustration. "All right, you win this round, Sailor Mercury!" he glared. "But you're still youma chow!" "Jerkury!" whispered Raye behind her hand. "Prepare to be vanquished by the power of the Noogieforce!" declaimed Coprolyte, eyes glinting evilly. "But first could you- if you don't mind?" he added shyly, holding out a poster and a pen. After a surprised silence, the bemused Sailor Scouts took turns signing the poster and passed it back to him. "Thanks a lot." said Coprolyte appreciatively. "It's just that we might not meet again, so I wanted to take the opportunity..." He looked at the poster and frowned. "Hey! Who wrote, 'Coprolyte is a dork'?" He glared at Raye. "It was you, wasn't it?" "Of course not." said Raye innocently. "I'm the one who wrote, 'Serena is a dorkess'". "Traitor!" Serena snatched the poster back and looked at it. She turned on Raye angrily. "You meanie! You also drew a moustache and glasses on me!" "No, I did that!" giggled Mina. "Don't be mad at me, Serena. I also drew cross-eyes on Lita." "Wait a minute!" said Amy angrily, looking over Serena's shoulder. "Who wrote 'Geekess' with an arrow pointing to me?" "Where else was I supposed to point the arrow?" said Raye. "Enough!" shouted Coprolyte. "You'll pay for this insult! And who has my pen?" The scouts looked innocently at each other. None spoke. "You'll talk soon enough!" roared Coprolyte, raising his arm. Mina stepped boldly forward, pointing her power stick at the Noogieverse henchman. "Venus.. Crescent Beam...". She slid the switch on her stick, and the pale yellow penlight bulb on the end blinked on. "SMASH!" "Oh, no!" cried Coprolyte in mock horror, pretending to shield his eyes. "Help me, my pupils are contracting!" Mina gasped. "He must be immune to light-based attacks!" "Now, behold the awesome powers of the Noogieverse!" Coprolyte fixed his gaze on Mina, suddenly pointing at her face. "Hey, is that a zit?" Mina screamed and grabbed for her compact. She flipped it open and studied her face frantically. "Wait a minute. I don't have a zit!" She glared at Coprolyte. "You inhuman monster!" she cried, lip trembling. "You'll pay for that!" "Oh, it was just a joke, Venus." grinned Coprolyte. He stared at her again. "Hey, is that a split end?" Mina screamed and reached for her mirror again. "You think that's funny?" said Raye angrily. "Just take this! Mars... Fire..." She began flicking the little wheel on her power stick. After several tries, a small blue flame flickered feebly at the end. "IGNITE!" she cried. "Don't mind if I do!" sneered Coprolyte, as he pulled out a cigar and lit it from Raye's flame. He took a deep drag, then puffed a lungful of smoke into her face. She reeled back, coughing uncontrollably. "Help, Mercury!" she cried. "He's using his Second Hand Smoke attack on me!" "Too late, Mars!" gloated Coprolyte. "Even as we speak, your odds of contracting lung cancer are increasing!" The pathetic little flame on Raye's stick flickered and died. "Hurry, Sailor Mercury! I'm out of fluid!" "Don't worry, I'll stop him!" said Amy. She stepped between Raye and the advancing Coprolyte. "You'll be sorry you did that! Just a moment. Mercury... Bubble..." Amy took out a small bottle and poured the contents into a small hole in her power stick. She blew into the end, and a stream of bubbles drifted gently out the end. "BLAST! Take that!" "Ooh, I'm so scared!" Coprolyte began laughing helplessly. "Mercury's attacking me with her big, nasty bubbles! I'd better start running right now! Or maybe I should... aauugghhh!" he screamed, as a bubble burst right in his eye. He stumbled to his knees. "That was a big one!" "Serves you right!" said Amy piously, as she helped Raye back to her feet. "Enjoy life as a cyclops, you Noogieverse lackey!" "It isn't funny!' howled Coprolyte, hands clasped over his face. "I've got soap in my eye!" "Come on, we've got to help Stupider... uh, I mean Jupiter. She's still trapped by the monster!" said Raye anxiously. She looked around. Mina was still having hysterics, trying to find the imaginary split-end in her hair, and would clearly be even more useless than usual. Serena was paralyzed with fear. "Serena! Get a move on, we're rescuing Lita!" shouted Amy. "What? No way, just look at that monster!" shrieked Serena, the pitch of her voice rising rapidly. "No, I don't to die! Look how big its teeth are! We don't stand a chance! I can't..." Serena's mouth continued to move, but her squealing had apparently passed into ultrasonic frequencies, as evidenced by the stunned bats which fell deafened from nearby trees, and the pit bull monster which shook its head and roared in pain. Raye and Amy looked at each other, then acting as one they each grabbed one of Serena's endless golden braids, wrapped it once around Serena's body, pinning her arms, and began running to Lita's rescue, dragging the inaudibly protesting scout behind them. The immense creature glared evilly at them as they ran up, drool dripping from its huge white fangs, its breath smelling like Lita's refrigerator. Lita was still pinned helpless under the monster's front paw, making futile attempts to zap it with her failing power stick. "Now Serena!" yelled Amy, untying Serena. "Use your moon scepter to destroy it!" "Right." said Serena reluctantly. She produced the huge scepter, red and gold plastic shining gaudily in the sunlight. "Wait a minute." said Raye, puzzled. "You weren't carrying that a moment ago. Where did you keep it?" "I'll explain later." said Serena shortly. She stood before the dreadful creature. "You ugly mutt! You're going to get it now, you hear? In the name of the moon, I'll spay or neuter you!" She stood proudly, brandishing the ancient mystical weapon. "Point the other end!" gasped Lita weakly from beneath the monster's foot. Serena squeaked in embarrassment and reversed her grip on the scepter. She waved it in the monster's direction. "Moon... Scepter... EXCAVATION!" she cried. "Elimination!" shouted Lita. "Moon... Scepter... LAMINATION!" corrected Serena. "No, no! Elimination!" Lita roared desperately. "Moon... Scepter... EMILINATION!" Serena hollered. "I'll kill her!" screamed Lita, struggling. Luckily for Serena, she was still securely pinned. "Moon... Septic... EVACUATION!" persisted Serena. "Give me that!" snapped Raye impatienly, grabbing the scepter away from her. She pointed it at the monster, then stopped. "Wait a minute. Something's wrong." Raye unscrewed the base of the handle, and peered down the shaft. "Serena!" she said accusingly. "Where the hell are the batteries?" "Oh,. I remember now!" giggled Serena. "I used the moon scepter as a nightlight and burned them out. I was going to ask Lita to recharge them." She turned to Lita, lying prone and helpless on the ground. "Say, Lita, can you do me a favor?" "I'll kill..." gasped Lita weakly. "Ha ha ha!" laughed the giant pit bull monster triumphantly. "You're now powerless to stop me! Without the moon scepter, you're helpless! I can destroy you all at will, now! Say goodbye to... oowww! Aaaauugghh! Aaarrggghh!" The monster screamed in pain as Raye began beating it viciously over the head with the impotent scepter. "Take that!" snarled Raye, broken pieces flying off the makeshift bludgeon as she landed blow after blow. "And that! And that! And THAT! Moon... face... SMASHING! Scepter... Head... WHACKING! Magic... Nose... BREAKING!" Staggering under the brutal assault, the monster collapsed and lay motionless on the ground. "Phew! That thing had a thick skull!" said Raye, wiping sweat from her brow with her white elbow-length glove. She caught her breath, then stepped back to admire her handiwork. "Nice work, Sailor Mars!" said Amy admiringly. "Any time, Mercury. Oh, thanks, Sailor Moon." said Raye, handing the severely damaged and bent scepter back to her. Tinny gold trim and plastic jewels fell off as Serena took it and looked at it incredulously. "Look what you did to my scepter!" she cried. "I only gave it to you for a moment, and now look at it!" She began sniffing. "I'm telling Luna!" "Don't cry, Luna will backflip you a new one, okay balloon head?" Raye patted her shoulder pacifyingly. Amy was just helping Lita to her feet, when there came a panicky cry from Mina, who was still standing near Coproltye. "He's recovering! He's getting up again!" Sure enough, the half-blinded servant of evil was trying to struggle back to his feet. "Lita!" said Amy anxiously. "We need your help to finish off Coprolyte, now!" "With pleasure!" growled Lita. The scouts all hurried over, and Lita strode directly up to Coprolyte. "Jupiter... Groin... KICKING!" Coprolyte's eyes rolled, crossed and glazed over. He dropped lifeless to the ground as suddenly as if he had been switched off. "That'll show him!" said Lita in satisfaction. "And his kids will feel that, too, if he ever has any." "Nice work, Lita." said Amy. "I guess that pretty much wraps things up, doesn't it?" She turned to see a horrified Serena pointing a shaking hand back at the monster. "On, no, it's starting to get up again, it's coming this way, it's... !" Her words disappeared into a hypersonic squeal. "Serena! Give me the scepter again!" shouted Raye. When Serena, paralyzed with terror, failed to respond, she grabbed it from her limp hands. Raye stepped forward to confront the charging, infuriated pit bull, but when she raised the battered cudgel, the heavy head fell off and landed with a tinny clunk on the ground. She looked down blankly at the inert lump in the grass, then at the pathetic plastic wand she was now holding. "Oh, great. Terrific. Damned prefabricated Japanese crap magic scepter useless cheap worthless filthy goddam piece of %$@#^^$%^ !!!!" The five scouts cowered, helplessly watching the approach of the enraged beast, waiting for the end. "Wait a minute!" Amy suddenly pulled a small, strange, hard object out of her pocket. Her eyes lit up. "Lita's cookie!" she shouted triumpantly. Sure enough, it was the very cookie which Amy had previously palmed, dropped down her sleeve and slipped secretly into her pocket. Amy raced forward, and just as the monster drew close, she flung the cookie as hard as she could straight into its gaping mouth. The creature gulped, stopped, trembled, then collapsed, rolled over on to its broad back, and expired noisily, convulsing and shuddering to the last. "What a way to go!" thought Raye, feeling a wave of genuine sympathy. "Well! That really is that!" said Amy, beaming. She looked at the motionless forms of Coprolyte and the monster. "You see what we can do when we work together? We toasted those Noogieverse jerks, didn't we gang?" "Yeah, we sure did!" smiled Lita, her appetite for mayhem and destruction satisfied. "All right, Sailor Scouts!" said Raye, holding out her hand. The victorious scouts all laid their hands on top of each other's. "Scout power!" "Down with the Noogieverse!" Suddenly, there was a flashing of lights and a wailing of sirens as a convoy of police cars roared into the park and surrounded them. The girls stared in disbelief as officers poured out and slapped cuffs on the stunned scouts. A special squad of animal control officers with high-powered rifles surrounded the rampaging Lita and peppered her with tranquilizer darts until she slowed, stumbled and fell motionless to the ground with a heavy thump. "The orphanage gets that one," directed the officer in charge. "Put the rest in the van and take them downtown." He hurried over to the dazed Coprolyte, and began helping him to his feet. "Are you alright, sir?" he asked anxiously. "We were told that you were being attacked by a female gang, and came as soon as we could." "Get your hands off me, you pigs!" raged Raye, as she was pushed down onto the squad car hood. "You've got nothing on us! What are we being charged with?" "Juvenile gang membership." the officer said sternly, looking suspiciously at her sailor outfit. "Assaulting a citizen in a public park. Also possession of a deadly weapon." he added, as two detectives wearing gloves picked up the pieces of the scepter Raye had been wielding. "Furthermore, your pit bull over there is supposed to be muzzled and on a leash. That's a violation of city ordinance. And it's dead, too. The humane society is sure to get on your case over that one." Men in uniforms grunted as they hauled Lita's huge frame, wrapped in netting, up a greased ramp into a van marked "Tokyo Central Orphanage." Somewhere nearby, Mina and Serena giggled as they were frisked. "And by the way, we also busted up your little racket at the temple." the officer continued, prodding Raye forward, her arms cuffed behind her back. "We've known for a while that you and your grandfather have been selling defective voodoo dolls and forged indulgences to unsuspecting citizens. You're looking at hard time, young lady." Raye and the others were loaded into the back of the police van and chained to the floor. The doors were slammed shut and locked. "Did you check out the guy who frisked us, Raye?" giggled Mina. "What a hunkster! I can hardly wait for the real search!" Serena started giggling, too. Raye looked wearily at Amy. "I just don't believe this. We bust our butts to save the entire universe, and they thank us by throwing our busted butts in jail! It just isn't fair!" Amy sighed philosophically, her chains clinking. "Oh, well. You can't make people grateful. C'est la vie!" "Yes?" answered Mina. The others looked blankly at her. "No, not 'Sailor V'!" said Amy. "'C'est la vie.'" No glimmer of understanding appeared on Mina's puzzled features. "It's French," said Amy, foolishly trying to explain. "It means 'that's life'." Mina's eyes glazed over in incomprehension. As the police van slowly trundled off, the girls' voices could be heard from the outside, gradually fading away with distance. "So you're telling me, 'that's life' means 'Sailor V' in French? Now I get it!" "Yes, that's right." "But- how do you say, 'that's life' in English?" "Simple. 'Say Ler Vee'" "'Say Ler Vee'. Gee, the world is a complicated place, isn't it?" "Mina, you're an embarrassment to dumb blondes everywhere." ------------------------------------------------------ Acknowledgements: I wish to thank a certain bottle of Gekkeikan sake, without whose assistance this story could never have been written.